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Before 30 To Do List = Lame

Monday Aug 16, 2010

I realised today that I’m in my last year of my 20’s. Come April of next year I’ll be entering my 30’s. I’m not too phased by this since I’ve always been (enter age) going on 90, I’m an old lady in a young lady’s body and I am okay with that.

I figured though it may be a good time to do a 20’s bucket list. Except I made the mistake of Googling a before 30’s to do list and found a pile of the biggest pile of naff shit ever.

Behold, things that I “allegedly” should have done before 30 and can’t do after next April.

Move out of your parents’ home

This should seriously be on your teens bucket list. If you’re seriously still living at home (and I mean never left your parental home) at 30 you’re a fucking loser.

Women: purchase your first pair of Manolo Blahnik or Jimmy Choo shoes.

Bitch please. I’m not spending nearly a thousand dollars on a pair of shoes that will make me bleed.

Lose a fight

Surely this a man entry? I do not fight, I’m a lover not a fighter. If a fight presented itself to me at 13 or 50 I would run screaming like a girl in the opposite direction.

Fighting hurts yo.

Start writing a novel/film script/slim volume of deeply embarrassing poetry.

This is a naff entry. No.

Spend a night sleeping outside Whether it’s on a Greek beach, or in a London doorway after a particularly damaging night out.

What the fuck! I’m not fucking homeless! Find a fucking bed!

Stay up for 48 hours. Believe me, you will never be able to do this after you’ve turned 30

I couldn’t do this at 18. I know what I’m like on less than 6 hours sleep at night, if I didn’t sleep for 48 hours I’d have a stroke.

Kill an animal. A bird, a fish, a terminally ill family pet.

Apparently a sociopath wrote this one. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

Have a one-night stand.

Bull. Shit. I am totally going to have one night stands after I’m 30. You’re not my Mum, you can’t tell me what to do!

Be naked in public. Streaking, skinny-dipping or just simple forgetfulness.

? Simple forgetfulness? Just quietly if you’re going out in public naked because you ‘forgot’ to put on clothes you have bigger issues than turning 30.

Be so short of cash you have to sell something Record collection, family heirloom, kidney, sexual favours.

Uh. No. Try using a fucking budget. Christ.

Get arrested. For a minor offence, obviously.

Again. No.

Drink yourself unconscious. And wake up with only the haziest, shabbiest memories of the night before.

Wait, I can’t do this after I’m 30? That’s depressing.

Saying ‘Cool!’. Nobody over 30 can carry this one off. Stick with ‘OK’.

Ok? I will continue to use inappropriate language until I can no longer speak. Because calling someone a douchebag has no age limit.

Clubbing. No, it’s not your paranoia. Everyone really is staring and laughing.

Finally one I agree with. I think people who go clubbing over the age of 30 are a little sad.

I went clubbing at age 18 and 1 day and walked out thinking, “cool, now I never have to do that again.” I am not a clubber.

Using make-up that comes free with magazines. It’s cheap and it looks it.

Get stuffed. If using free stuff is wrong then I don’t want to be right.

Teen music. Going to see boy bands, such as Busted – without a small child in tow.

1. Who are Busted?
2. No one will ever interfere with my love for the Spice Girls, Five, Taylor Swift or Hanson.
3. Ever.

Reading Chick Lit. Why not try one of the classics you should have read at school. You could be pleasantly surprised.

Condenscending wank. I don’t understand the hatred towards Chick Lit. It’s awesome and fluffy and entertaining and I’ll continue to read my goddamn books with high heels and martini glasses on the front if I want to.

Texting. Text messaging should be for emergency use only. Pick up the phone instead. You are not 15 years old.

?

Flashing your G-string. If you must wear one then keep it hidden from view or you might scare old people and small children.

Jesus wept. Flashing your G string is unacceptable at any age, hide your shame!

Crying at work. This is just about acceptable from the fresh-out-of-college newcomer with the baby face. You are a mature, professional woman.

The person who wrote this list has obviously never met my boss.

Getting falling down drunk. It’s always undignified, but now it’s tragic. Stop for the sake of your health as well as your reputation.

Please. This is one of the best parts of being an adult. Carry on.

After reading this I’m pretty sure I’m just going to carry on as normal in my undignified way.


mouth breather

Tuesday Aug 10, 2010

Man, it’s been exactly a month since I last updated. Since things have been busy at work I just don’t get a chance to blog there and if I update from home (which I’m doing now) I do it on my Blackberry. Which causes finger cramps.

Anyway.

I’m sick-ish at the moment. Last week I had tonsillitis and a delightful sinus infection, taking a couple of days off seemed to fix it. Until I caught a cold a couple of days later which I still have now, it’s not too bad actually since I’m mainly just snuffly but still it would be nice to not be a mouth breather for a while.

Fucking mouthbreathers.

The boss situation? Got worse, a lot worse, but not enough to officially complain. I can’t get into it too much but after a 3rd meeting with him where I burst into tears afterwards (in front of half of my all male team – mortifying) I took a few days to think it over.

I love the work I do. I love what we’ll be rolling out soon. I love my team mates and I don’t want to leave the company I’m with. So I decided to pick my battle, which involved playing nice with him.

I can’t begin to describe how much it takes to do this, but I couldn’t keep dreading work like I was, I couldn’t keep waiting for the next reaming I was going to get from him, it was not sustainable and you know, he has the ability to sack me and make my life hell.

It’s not fair, not even close, but playing nice has meant that I get to do the work I love but without the constant hassle. Plus he’ll be gone long before I am. I’m patient.

Mark decided he missed me and called to tell me so. And yes, he still has his girlfriend.

I have no idea what creepy hold I have over boys I’ve been involved with (read: slept with regularly), but this always ALWAYS happens while he’s in a relationship. I don’t want to think about what this says about me since it will depress me, but it would be nice if I was offered more than mistress-esque type options.

Beth has changed her mind on the type of dress we’re wearing for her wedding. It went from black cocktail dress “I pick the fabric, you pick the style” to a dress she’s got an eye on.

It involves tulle. And diamontes.

She obviously hates her bridesmaids.

But we may have found another one which is gorgeous, we’re looking at both this weekend so I’m sending out big ‘no tulle’ vibes.

Updates on the farm?

I’d say that the banks hate me but it appears they just hate my farm. The latest bank has turned down the application because the “property is too remote.”

Which is kind of the point.

I JUST WANT MY FUCKING FARM!

There’s a third option that I can do, I hope to fuck that it works out. Cross your fingers for me, yes?

This weekend is a good one, we’ve hired a house in the Hunter Valley and we are going to eat and drink and relax and it’s going to be awesome.

Hope everyone is well xx


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