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driving, tequila and resignation

Tuesday Mar 23, 2010

Awww, Meg (aka MormonHousewife) gave birth today. She sent me a text message early this morning to tell me she was in labour, but I didn’t hear anything more until just after lunch. Because I am innovative (read: slightly obsessed) I called the maternity ward at the hospital she was in on the hour every hour until the nurse finally told me that Meg was BUSY! And would call me back when she wasn’t so BUSY!

I’m like, lady, I’m not looking to have a chat with Meg while she’s pushing, just fucking tell me if she’s okay and if she’s given birth yet so I don’t have to hound you all day.

Saturday night I went out for a bachelor party for a lovely girl who’s getting married to one of the boys. (I’ve blocked the fact that I’ve slept with her fiancé. Bygones.) We had a great night. Although margarita’s + vodka cocktails + sangria = vom.

Not an actual vom, but not a well Luce on Sunday.

Also. It appears I may have ranted at a woman who tutted at me while I had a cigarette outside of the restaurant we were at. Apparently even while being cranky my friends find me cute, I can’t even be angry properly. I blame my height, if I were 5’8 people wouldn’t be all, aww, look at Lucy having a rant, how funny.

Apparently I was cranky at her because 1. She tutted at me even though I was practically in the gutter away from the sidewalk and people, and 2. as she was a chubby lady she was breaking the rules of chubsters looking out for fellow chubsters. Luckily I don’t think she heard most of it.

Turns out I shouldn’t drink tequila.

So, you know how I’m learning to drive? Wait, I’ve told you guys that right?

In the event I haven’t, I don’t have a license. Never needed one, and my apartment is a $20 cab ride from pretty much everywhere in the city. But Beth has been giving me lessons and I’ve just starting taking lessons with a driving instructor and it’s going well and awesome.

So my learners permit expires on the 18th of April, so I went to book my driving test today for a few days before then. And there are no appointments at any RTA within 100 kilometres until April the 20th.

So I get to get my learners permit AGAIN and book in for my driving test 2 days after my original permit expired. Except that I can’t get in to do the permit test for ANOTHER 3 WEEKS!

Seriously, are there that many people in Sydney needing driving tests?

Either way, I’m driving and stuff and it’s cool, I just need to go for my test in the next month and I will officially be allowed to drive. It will be terrifying in its awesomeness.

In other news my admin girl offered her resignation yesterday. Sucks balls. But she’s pretty awesome so we’re trying a bunch of stuff to make her stay. Because seriously, she’s the type of person you want working for her. Plus she’s becoming a Lucy Mach II and the world needs more mini me’s.

douche canoes

Tuesday Mar 16, 2010

Oh dear. The internet can be a delightful place sometimes.

One of my favourite bloggers Kristin had this little gem of a post written about her and another so called “mommyblogger” recently.

It is awesome in that it’s written by a Christian woman and it’s so wrong it’s funny.

(If you’re lazy like me and hate clicking links below is the main part.)

A reader named Tim sent me the link to the Ms. Single Mama blog.

Tim writes:

This is a woman whose marriage failed and now she has a young son. She is divorced and involved in another relationship with a better man. She even posts videos of them together for everyone to see. He seems like a good, straightforward and altogether honest fellow. My problem is that her actions have ripple effects, which effect not only her, but her new boyfriend and even his parents and family. Is it just me, or does the thought of sitting around the dinner table with one’s girlfriend and her son from another man, as well as his parents and grandparents seem awkward and uncomfortable, in a nervous, forced, and underarm-sweat kind of way? Don’t parents and grandparents deserve to witness their own biological offspring grow up? Am I being selfish? I ask because, to be completely honest, I don’t know. Personally, to me her blog is off-the-charts narcissism.

Have people forgotten that for every action there is an equal opposing reaction? There are consequences. It literally breaks my heart to see a man get duped -and to witness it on an blog with videos and photographs. Anyway, my hope is that you will confirm that I am not way out to lunch, that I am indeed accurate in my character assessment. Perhaps you will disagree. In any event, I am writing you because from what I have read on your blog, you are of sound judgment.

The other blog is written by another career woman with a son she chose to have out of wedlock. Now she has a new boyfriend and they are both obsessed with exercise and working out. A couple of problems I have with this particular blog is again, I feel the man does not have a clue of his place or role in society. He is a childless and unmarried man ‘having a relationship’ with this woman and it appears to be a soulless, mindless exercise – all for the whole world to see, with pictures and videos. He seems to be a directionless man, purposeless. She, conversely, is in control, ‘empowered.’ She has a son so she already has ‘purpose’. Recently she posted a column and included a picture of her flexing her back muscles. Again, I ask you, am I crazy? What has happened to the modern woman? No one cares – no one will ever care – if a woman has back muscles. I am utterly speechless.

In the final analysis, these two blogs have these results:

1. Two men (the boyfriends) purposeless, directionless and emasculated.

2. Two empowered women? Back muscles  – who cares?

3. No marriage/no traditional respect paid to parents and grandparents.

When I see blogs like these I genuinely worry. Can society survive without replacing the stock with noble and virtuous young people? I understand the drive for personal autonomy and freedom. But at the expense of everyone? Even grandparents?

I am rarely at a loss for words. But wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

I’m going to put aside the fact that my parents raised Sabine and I as single parents. I’m also going to put aside that this site would consider me a so-called “empowered” career woman.

What I won’t put aside is the fact that Kristin is seriously fucking awesome and has done everything in her power to provide her child with a stable and loving upbringing. And that these douche canoes, who label themselves Christians, are attempting to tear that down and reduce it to Christians=Good, Non-Christians=Bad.

Fuck you.

The best and funniest part though is in the comments where the blogger provides a check list for a good wife. Let’s just say that I fail the shit out of this check list (my words in bold.)


Ask yourself these questions, which are not listed in order of their importance, about any woman you are interested in:

1.   Does she talk about herself obsessively?

Yes, yes I do. Evidence: This here blog.

2.   Does she veer between exuberance and tears?

Yes, I am a female who experiences highs (brought on by too much coffee) and lows (I am a depressive after all.) So occasionally I act batshit crazy and occasionally I have a shit day and have a cry in the shower. I’m pretty sure this is normal, yes?

3.   Does she believe in homosexual “marriage” (a tip off that she has no idea what marriage is)?

Why yes. I do recognize love as love and commitment as commitment. Whether that love be the kind that *gasp* we dare not speak its name. Go team gays!

4.   Does her father seem indifferent to what she does?

Ha! I totally can say no this one. My dad is awesome, so there bitches.

5.   Does she have children?

Does a cat count?

6.   Is she aggressively pretty? 

I say this humbly  – Fucking A.

7.   Does she have a group of  friends who exult in girly togetherness?

What the fuck is “girly togetherness?” Do we have sleepover’s where we have pillow fights and talk about the dreamy boy we saw in homeroom today?

I am a girly girl, hear me roar.

8.   Does she have a career instead of a job?

Check and check. I know it’s déclassé to be financially stablewith the ability to provide for myself without a man (harlot!) But yes, I have a career I’ve worked hard for and colour me crazy but I’m relatively pleased about this.

9.   Does she lift weights and pursue an exhausting exercise regimen?

Ha! Another win for me, because no, no I do not have an exhausting exercise regime. Take that Christian blog lady!

10. Is she incapable of reading a book by a man? 

Two in a row! I quite like a book and as long as the male author of the book is a raging feminist I will totally read it.

11. Does she disbelieve in the existence of God?

Is the Pope a Catholic?

Try to find someone for whom you can answer no on all of these questions, especially #11 and #5. She is out there and worth finding. 

Awkward. I fail the Christian good wife test. Must try harder next time.

girls vs girls

Friday Mar 12, 2010

You know what I’m tired of?

(Apart from work, trying to get my credit card down to a zero balance owing, lack of holidays, crap friends and not enough sleep?)

Fat and/or skinny bashing.

I’ve read a few blogs this week (written by girls) with rants about too skinny girls or too fat girls. How fat girls bash too skinny girls because they’re jealous, and how skinny girls bash fat girls because they’re disgusting. And frankly I couldn’t give a shit.

My bum is bigger than other girls bums. And my bum is smaller than other girls bums. I also have brown hair, while some girls have blonde hair.

To me it’s as simple as that.

And yet the amount of vitriol in articles, blogs and forums from girls about other girls weight is starting to piss me off.

It’s like the battle of motherhood that goes on:  breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, co-sleeping vs. cot sleeping, organic food vs. packaged food. It’s unnecessary judgemental bullshit that there’s no need for.

And there’s no fucking way that these amount and type of articles or comments would be written by men. That’s what annoys me, this is females attacking females. Life for females is pretty bloody good these days, and yet the most hideous and pointed articles about women, and the glass ceiling, and body image and feminism is being written by other women. Nice first half girls, jog it in.

Now, I’m a pretty judgmental person, I enjoy making snap judgements about people because I am a shallow petty person. And yet this stuff? This stuff that can be so hurtful to someone else is ridiculous.

Personally I think any type of obsessive fixation on your body is unhealthy, whether you’re 50 kilograms or 150 kilograms. I also think that as long as you can sleep at night with your body shape, your lifestyle and your health then good for you.

I also think it’s none of my business even if you aren’t, because unless you’re one of my family or best friends I don’t care. I’ve got my own worries, concerns, sadness, problems to focus my energy on than some other chick that I have never, and will never meet.

You concern yourself with the size of your bum, and I’ll look after the size of my bum and I think we’d be a lot happier and healthier.

promises and talents

Wednesday Mar 10, 2010

The last couple of times have either been awesome, or completely shit.

Yesterday I told someone I was close to that they made me sick. I’ve never said those words to anybody before, let’s face it, it’s a pretty horrific thing to say and I hope to never have to say it. Because this person reads here I’m not going to get into the exact specifics. But if you’re ever my friend you will know that if you promise me something, and I mean really promise me something, that it’s set in stone and I will hold you to it. Saying “I promise” to me (for me) is as meaningful as saying “I love you” or “I hate you.”

It means a lot. You go ahead and break the promise, while being aware of the consequences? Then I’ll think you’re a cunt.

It makes me queasy but it’s also something that’s been building for a while.

In other news I slept through my alarm this morning and didn’t wake up until 7:00 a.m. It was lurvely. Apparently I was sleeping on my mobile (which is my alarm) and my body appeared to have *ahem* muffled the alarm.

Look, I don’t care if my belleh can muffle an alarm. I only care that I got a solid 8 hours of sleep last night and it was awesome.

When I got into work I got pulled aside my new big boss and was told that they were really happy with the work I was doing, and that maybe my “talents” (totally actually said my talents) were being restricted in my current role and I should look at higher opportunities. 

What I took this to mean was I am awesome, the end.

Lucy with her many talents signing off……

the burbs

Tuesday Mar 9, 2010

Beth and I went and spent Saturday with Meg, the Very Pregnant Mormon Housewife.

She’s 2 weeks away from her due date and is well over it all.

Beth had her two nephews with her so there were more children than adults and it freaked me the fuck out.

I love Meg’s son and daughter. They are freaking awesome and I absolutely adore them. Beth’s nephew’s are also gorgeous boys who are awesome to spend time with. All spunky but well mannered kids.

But a day in the suburbs with 4 children under the age of 5 made me feel claustrophobic. We had lunch, and it was a hot day so the kids ran around under the sprinkler, I had a tea party with Meg’s daughter and the boys tried to kill each other.

I always thought I’d eventually want to be in the same position as Meg – lots of babies, husband, house. But after Saturday I realised that I grew up in the suburbs and didn’t particularly enjoy it, and I much prefer quiet over noisy chaos and the idea of having that number of children makes me feel queasy.

Which makes me feel good, since I’m right where I want to be with a city apartment, plans to buy an acreage somewhere and no immediate plans for settling down.

Who knew laziness would be the right life path? Laziness FTW!

facebook stalking gone bad

Friday Mar 5, 2010

I’ve been giving serious thought to retiring as soon as possible, i.e. at 30.

However I’m 28, turning 29 in April, so I’m thinking I need to work out a game plan.

So far the game plan is either turn wild and catch/grow all of my food and live in the bush. Or win the lottery.

Both are unfeasible and retarded. Which just leaves me with a job that I like most of the time (but is horrendously busy at the moment and giving me an eye twitch) a credit card debt that I’m slowing chipping away at, and a desire to buy this (but not live that far away from civilisation. And pay half a million dollars for the pleasure.)

Life has been busier lately. Work has yet to settle down, so work days are just 10 hours of constant busy. My 2 new bosses are working out well though which is cool.

The wedding planning for Beth has started already, we went to the Hunter Valley last weekend to look at wedding venues. We looked at 3 venues, and good lord people get married in funny/ugly places. One of the larger places we went to held their reception in essentially a cafeteria. Beth refused it on the grounds that if she can see the bain marie from the reception then that is not the place for her. Normally I think she’s too fussy but it’s a valid point.

She chose a gorgeous old convent for the wedding instead. It’s beautiful and small and we can stay there as well and she did good.

I am a complete fatty at the moment. There was talk of orange dresses for bridesmaids before K and I beat some sense into Beth, as we’d look like chubby little pumpkins.

Pumpkins are not hot.

Delicious. But not hot.

So, I’ve been having a relatively shit time with things lately. Yesterday in particular, so I thought I’d cheer myself by doing two things I enjoy – shoe shopping and Facebook stalking of boys I adore or dated. Stupid decision. There were no cute shoes, and do you guys remember this boy?

Facebook tells me he’s engaged.


So I’m feeling like an unlovable loser at the moment. Normally I think I’m just tops and should be beating the boys away with sticks (humble too bviously.) So this is not particularly pleasant.

Actually it fucking sucks.

So, this weekend I’m having a lady date with Beth and Meg who is 1 week away from her due date. I’ve already had a conversation with her that if she goes into labour while I’m there I’m not helping. I cannot see her vagina in any circumstances and I will only be at the party end of a birthing suite with her.

Fingers crossed she waits until after said lady date.

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