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wee while

Thursday May 31, 2007

As you might’ve noticed I’ve been AWOL for a while.

AWOL, like my tour in Nam.

I’ll be away for a wee while longer. Between the funeral (it devastated me more than I can articulate), Adam moving back to Brisbane, work being all busy and great and happy now I’ve decided to stay (I had a 3 hour “business” lunch today), my mother still being in the same state for the first time in a long time, Beth not having a great time, and spending a lot of time with my family, and also drinking a smidgen too much I’m keeping my head down and working and being with my family and Beth and that’s it.

I’m trying to get my shit together and so far it’s working. So in a wee while I’ll be back.

And spending time with new friends and updating, and not disappointing Lozo by not posting fucking daily updates, and not insulting other friends by making mama jokes and maybe making a new guy friend and just generally putting my head together right.

So hang around and I’ll be your best friend.*

letting off steam

Saturday May 19, 2007

I’ve been blowing off some steam this weekend after a pretty shitty week.

I went out for drinks Friday after work and stumbled home at 1 a.m. thoroughly sloshed. Although I did get to make out with a new boy in the back of the cab. Always a pleasant way to get home.

However because I imbibed a little too much I ended up talking to God on the porcelain telephone. And as a result I did some damage to my eye.

(Note dodgy red spot)

That was fun.

Yesterday I dragged my sorry arse out of bed, kicked the boy out, and went and had breakfast with Chesty. I think I may have still been drunk so she is an absolute champ for putting up with me. Then we went to the Glebe markets so I could buy more ridiculous glasses. And a pink hoodie. Because I can.

And then I slept for 5 hours. Got a call from Beth and went over to the tattooed wonders house (unfortunately the break up between Beth and Transformer was not permanent) to drink beer and play guitar hero, with my dodgy eye and hoodie. I don’t go out in public in anything tracksuit or fleece related so that was new. Their house is full of movie posters, star wars/superman/comic book, sorry illustrated novel, characters. And there are always tattooed pierced freaks around. Surprisingly despite being an ink virgin and having nothing more pierced than my ears I always feel comfortable there.

So staggered home again after midnight. Today is a moochey delight where I’m enjoying a marathon on Foxtel.

I have the funeral on Tuesday which I’m not looking forward to. I don’t handle funerals well, which I imagine you’re not supposed to. So there’s that and all the new work stuff to look forward to.

Thank you again for all of your comments, they were very much appreciated.

Thursday May 17, 2007

I’m staying on at the current job.

And my uncle passed away this morning.

(Thank you for all your comments)

not good

Wednesday May 16, 2007

Today has not been a great day.

I spoke to my accountant dude who took me through what was required in being an official contractor. Long story short the pay rise with the new company would kinda be eaten up by a lot of deductions like fucking tax, and fucking GST and goddamn HECS (or HELP or whatever they’re calling uni debt these days) I’d get more stuff back but only once a year.

Then my current job counter offered with 30 k more (let’s not get into why this is so very wrong that people think I’m that great, I’m kinda cool but that’s just silly). So I asked for more money with the new job, because why not.

And I’m not sure the new company will match the offer so I may be staying at the current job but with an obscene pay rise. Because selling out is what it’s all about here at antilogy.

It depresses me but it’s slightly comforting, I’d get a new role if I stayed, a great role really. I just don’t trust myself to make good judgements at the moment but I’ll find out tomorrow either way.

And if you’re friends with me in the real world please do not leave me a voicemail tonight or tomorrow. My uncle is not well. He’s in ICU and they don’t think he’s going to last the night and my phone has been ringing all day and I just can’t handle it. Foxtel called while I was coming home tonight and because I was in the train tunnel at the time I only got a notification of the voicemail with no missed caller details. I cried on the way home without listening to it because I was sure I knew what the message would be about. So please don’t call me.


Sunday May 13, 2007

So this weekend was supposed to be all about figuring out whether to take this new job. I received the contract and what I’d be doing on Friday.

Instead I had to work Saturday, had a house full of family Saturday afternoon-night, dinner and drinks Saturday night, hanging out with Mum this morning, cleaning the house this afternoon and then I obviously had to fit in my Sunday afternoon nap.

As a result I’ve had zero time to look more into it. So I’m going to go with my gut. And it can be made all official Tuesday when I could hypothetically be signing the contract and giving notice.


I, again, had to share a bed with my mother and again I state never bloody again. This time was not uncomfortable spoon attempts (awkward) but instead a jimmy leg that would shoot out and kick me every 5 minutes or so. Seriously, she was sound asleep and then kung fu kick me.

I didn’t care if it was technically Mothers Day she still got woken up by me whinning “Maaaaa stop kicckkkiinnng mmeee.”

Things are still really off at the moment, I’ve got my head down and will be sorting out work stuff and coming home and that’s it. I’m not in the mood to socialise and any emotional drama is being avoided at all costs. My uncle is not doing well and this work stuff is freaking me out and I’m keeping a distance from one of my best friends and things are a little fragile.

But still good too. Odd.

my knee hurts

Wednesday May 9, 2007

I took a fall today.

While I usually just fear falling over every single bloody minute of the day I don’t actually fall that often.

This morning I fell down and slid into my front gate. First there was a windmill action when I realised the ground was not there anymore, then I slid into the gate smacking my knee, falling on my arse. It was not pretty and it hurt like a motherfucker.

And then today my knee kept giving out on me. That was probably more embarassing than the stack, because a dodgy knee? It goes out whenever the damned hell it feels like it. Even if walking on flat surfaces. Or walking with executives. Or walking down stairs (that was a close call.)

And today I had a chat with one of the women who works at this company who wants me. The best way to find out what a company is like is speak to the staff and let me tell you, these people are happy.

I still have to talk it over with Beth and Dad, but it looks like a good plan. Even if I don’t get to be a high flying jet setter girl with the Brisbane stuff.

I suppose the fact that I hate flying is probably a downside as well.

continued meh posting

Tuesday May 8, 2007

So I found out more about this new consulting job. And I’m a little meh about it now.

The Brisbane thing will be happening later if at all, which bummed me out. The other job I’d be doing for the first few months is project managing technical stuff so that’s what I wanted, plus I’d get to work from home for half of the week. And more money.

I also realised that I’m a slacker in a workaholic’s body. I hate work, I mean giving up my entire day to work for 11 hours really fucks me off. But I can’t make myself do the standard 8:30 to 5 thing I just can’t. So this job would be less hours which is a bonus.

I just don’t think I’m in the best state of mind to be making career decisions at the moment but I’ve got until Friday so maybe the meh will lift by then.

Plus the new shows absolutely fucking destroyed my feet with blisters and I took my gel nails off and now I’m left with ugly weak soft nails that bend.

I also applied for Foxtel so the hibernation prep is almost done.

Good times.


Sunday May 6, 2007

Yesterday was hard. And I’ll leave it at that.

As a result I went shopping today. I bought these (Go across to the black wedges – Ralibie Black). And new work pants. And a new pencil skirt. And a new black turtleneck. There’s a reason it’s called retail therapy.

I have a plan. I need plans, I write to-do lists constantly because it relieves me to get everything down and to formulate a plan (look, you knew when I wrote a 2007 ‘Mission Statement’ versus new years resolutions that I’m a little bit anal). The new plan is to keep my head down, see my family, no boys, work and that’s it. I won’t be drinking for a little while, I have a few weekend outages coming up and I’ve got a meeting tomorrow with the other company about this offer and I need to stay busy at the moment.

I need a break from the boys, and I’m going to hibernate for a little while.

And things are going pretty well but my head’s a little confused so new starts and stuff is a good thing.

And hopefully more shopping.

brief update

Friday May 4, 2007

– I have a new template designed by the lovely Chesty La Rue. Also because I love this shit, if you click on the links to the side stuff opens up. I know. Awesome.

(I still have to update the links, at the moment they’re Chesty’s. So there’s been no de-linkage.)

– First week back at work has been tiring, new job stuff is slowly but surely coming together. Looks like I’ll be working in Sydney for a month or two before I head up to start the Brisbane job. I have to be honest if the Brisbane contract is no longer happening I think I’ll be staying where I am.

– I have to go up to Newcastle tomorrow to see my Uncle. It’s a 6 hour round trip on the train and then I get to say goodbye to him. I’m not dealing with this too well and I’m employing the denial coping mechanism.

– I don’t have much else to say, things are a really off kilter at the moment.

Wednesday May 2, 2007

Death tends to put things into perspective. As a result work is not bothering me, because you know what I’m not a brain surgeon, i’m not a mother, I’m not a soldier and my work does not save lives. Life is good for me, because I see what it could be like. I could be one of my cousins whose going to lose their father in a matter of days.

I heard tonight that a male friend of mine had slept with another girl friend of his. They’ve been friends for a while but she’s liked him and he has been, as usual, oblivious. He’s now giving the idea serious thought because, “we spend so much time together and have so much in common and have fun”.

The problem lies with the fact that I’ve been waiting for a long time to be given the same consideration.

And it broke my heart that after so many years that it has probably not even entered his mind to have that same internal discussion with me in mind, or that it was but discounted quickly and I wasn’t even aware of it.

When someone who knows you better than the majority of people in your life rejects you, or doesn’t even give the idea thought to require rejection, it’s so very hard to not take it personally. Because I can handle CountryBoy rejection, or the other boy rejections because they don’t know me well enough for it to hurt. But to have someone who I’m so close with, and shared so much with and who knows me so well, to have seen me and known me? And to still not want you? That’s personal.

To be considered good enough to be a companion and a confidante and a friend and a lover and a girl friend but not good enough for a girlfriend? I regret not having the chance to try, to live it and to take a chance because I hate the not knowing worse than the rejection. Because if it didn’t work then at least we tried and we’d know either way, and right now we don’t. And that’s why it hurts because I’m not considered worthy enough.

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