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Tuesday Aug 29, 2006

While I am in total awe of boys who approach girls to hit on (unless there’s a sleaziness element to it and then they suck) I am not a girl who can approach a perfect stranger. Mainly out of shyness, because holy fuck.

But really because I’m throwing myself at a total stranger and asking to be judged, mainly on my appearance because in first impressions all you’ve got is an opening line and how you look/present yourself.

And being a generally typical girl I am a little unsure of my looks. I mean in all honesty I think I’m tremendously cool, I’m foul mouthed and a little funny and I’m pretty sure I’m a bit cute. But that’s all stuff that doesn’t come out in a 5 second “Do you come here often” scenario.

Also, I am the best friend, I am the Fb, I am the girl they hang out with and make out with occasionally, I am the cool girl friend who they do not think of when thinking of girlfriends versus girl friends. I am not the one that the first thought of a boy is “She’s hot”. That’s not self deprecation, that’s simply an observation past experience has shown.

Now, keeping a conversation going? That’s a relatively easy one.

I just lack the balls to go up to a stranger and to ask, to quote Lisa Simpson, “Grade me, mark me, judge me!”.

But if someone wants to speak with me/hit on me, in a non sleazy creepy ‘I need a shower with bleach and a scourer after speaking with’ way, I’m totally all for it.

It just won’t be me initiating it.

35 Comments »

DonkeyBlog:

“I just lack the balls to go up to a stranger…”. Lack of balls is usually the first thing I look for before I approach a lady … maybe that should be moved further up the list. ๐Ÿ˜‰

August 30th, 2006 | 1:43 am
Ramona:

Woooooord.

I’m not usually first choice. Its a fact.

August 30th, 2006 | 2:52 am
Indiana:

I know exactly how you feel Lucy, I am the one the class “friend” when all youwant to have is the chance to be something more.

August 30th, 2006 | 5:21 am
The very nice man:

You undervalue yourself. How many times have I seen things NOT happening because HE did not know that SHE fancied him. Both thought they were not fanciable and nobody made a move.
Great!
You didn’t say “I won’t go for a job interview because I’m not the right person!” but you said “I am probably not the right person but f*ck it!!” and you got the job.
How did THAT happen???
E.

August 30th, 2006 | 5:45 am
Mark:

I’m not the type to just up and hit on people either, but as a guy I think there is a lot of pressure to do so. As a result, I think you have to wear the occasional bit of sleaziness when guys go too far. It’s the price you pay for people like me feeling they have to step outside their comfort zones every now and then.

Oh, WORD. I’m the kind of guy that has depth. You know, personality. But it’s not easy to get that across in five seconds when meeting a girl. Dear Aunt Lucy, what can I do?

August 30th, 2006 | 6:27 am
Mark:

*BTW; for the second para.

August 30th, 2006 | 6:28 am
Winter:

Lucy, I feel for you. I am also the cool, foul mouthed, funny girl friend (not girlfriend) of so many guys I know. I don’t think my self unattractive, but I don’t even get occasional making out privileges with guys. I can talk to just about anybody, but when it comes to asking guys out I just feel like I’m being presumptuous that they might like me.

Maybe we should round some like minded people up and start a club.

August 30th, 2006 | 12:59 pm
GBE:

When I was 19, extremely drunk, in a place with dim-lighting and smoke haze, I was bold. I’d go waltzing up to boys, ask them for a cigarette (even though I don’t smoke) and crack onto them OUTRAGEOUSLY. They’d go all red and giggle. And now I’m 23 and can’t bring myself to speak to anyone. Just let me sit in my corner and drink my beer, until I’m drunk enough to stagger around the dancefloor.

I have always wondered what I look like to guys, too. I mean, I can look in the mirror all I want, but it’s just not the same. I want opinions.

(Unless they say something like ‘you’re a hideous hag’ in which case they can keep their opinions to their God damn selves.)

August 30th, 2006 | 3:06 pm
Anonymous:

This is a great article. All of us that blog for the most part, keep our pic’s rel;atively obscure, our true identities, a tad blurry, and don’t really “hit on” each other since the point would not be a “date” when we are thousands and thousands of miles apart.
What it does say is not boy/girl, sleaze/pick up line, or the other awkward business of physical judgements, but the very same thing that almost every commentor has said “I just want to be me, I just want to be more, in some way or another, I want to share myself, and yes sometimes even cuddle, be silly, or just get drunk and know YOU care, but how do I know who YOU are? When I’ll meet you, or if I ever will? That is the anxiety of life for all of us.
Mr. Guinness

August 30th, 2006 | 4:36 pm
lucy:

Donkay – You’re so bloody literal Donkay ๐Ÿ™‚ But yes I imagine breasts and no balls are quite high on the list.

Ramona – Yeah, it’s not a complaint or a prompt for a “No, you’re really fine, the boys love you”. It’s really just in the same way that while there is a small percentage of people who are traditionally good looking, the majority of us are just kinda normal looking.

Indiana – It’s why I’ve had to stop remaining friends with those i have feelings for, being friends with someone shouldn’t be painful, or an ego boost. Plus, ow.

The very nice man – I prefer to consider myself a realist ๐Ÿ™‚

In the same way that I weighed up applying for this job with my probability of getting it (which was relatively good) with a pinch of fuck it let’s try it I do the same with boys. Telling someone I like them, i.e. I know already, is not a problem. I don’t fear rejection in that way. If i like someone in my life they know about, I just think that throwing yourself at someone, a complete stranger, is not something I’m comfortable doing.

Mark – Dearest Mark, you should try hitting on the multitude of females who read your blog and have internet crushes on you already. Although technically strangers they already know and like your personality.

It’s a win win solution.

Best of Luck

Lucy

ps – Also, how does that work that it’s ok for boys to do the hitting, that it’s just a thing that boys have to do? Is that not terrifying?

Winter – Oh man, I think we need to start up a club. But I like the “I just feel like I’m being presumptuous that they might like me.” line.

Whereas like Mark says it’s just the done thing for boys to make the move I’ve always seen girls doing it as slightly arrogant (i.e. they’ll totally like me). It’s really the only thing I don’t have the confidence in myself to do.

GBE – God you a very fucking cool girl. My thing with drunkard hit on’s are that if I don’t remember it it doesn’t count. Which lately has occured a little more often than I’m comfortable with.

But yeah I only want to hear good stuff, the hideous hag boys can shove it. I suppose I’ve never really asked because oh god what if the answer is bad?

August 30th, 2006 | 4:47 pm
colonel eggroll:

I just wanted to say that I was referred to your blog by a friend and enjoy reading it immensely.

Any guy that can’t see what a cool chick you are is a complete idiot.

August 30th, 2006 | 7:53 pm
Savoy Truffle:

< < You undervalue yourself. How many times have I seen things NOT happening because HE did not know that SHE fancied him. >>

Gotta say, IMHO, that’s bull. I’m not too much of an expert on the male of the species, being mostly on the gay side, but I do know that if a woman wants a man who’ll be the masculine energy in the relationship (not talking macho; but the person who gives to receive, not receives to give), it’s the right thing to do to let him approach her. I say right meaning smart.

If a woman wants a man to be strong enough to say what he wants in a relationship, he’ll be strong (or at least motivated) enough to make the first move. A gal can’t expect a guy to make decisions while they’re together if he doesn’t when they’re not.

Has actually very little do with her self-esteem. In fact, I think it speaks highly of a woman’s self-esteem when she knows she deserves someone who’s willing to swallow their pride and ask her out.

…in a non-I’d like to get in her pants if I could only stop sweating through mine, thus making her wish she’d worn less make-up and didn’t wear her best perfume sorta way.

August 30th, 2006 | 9:02 pm
Mark:

Thanks for your advice, Lucy. Right now I’m IM-ing girls I’ve never met to see if they want to go out with me.

What do you mean by terrifying? The asking girls out part? Or should we be terrified that girls don’t see it as their responsibility? A) is what they invented alcohol for, and b) is just silly.

Oh, and while I’m here, what are ‘making out privileges’ and why do I find myself suddenly clicking on Winter’s site?

August 30th, 2006 | 10:13 pm
Winter:

Colonel Eggroll: Jeez, you could have given me the credit I deserve for referring you here. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Mark: Feel free to click on me, I’ve clicked on you. I like the Super Mario banner by the way.

August 30th, 2006 | 10:51 pm
lucy:

Colonel – Awww thanks Colonel, you make me blush.

Savoy – That’s actually a great point which I hadn’t thought of. I imagine that is why boys have the unspoken title of hit on-ers, being the ‘dominant’ sex for so long.
Although what happens when you consider yourself an equal to your partner – who hits on who?

Mark – But see how is that silly that girls are scared to hit on boys? Personally I’m terrified to do it, purely because the rejection is not a pleasant place to be, especially from a stranger.

You click on Winter because she is awesome.

And make out privileges are those a step down from full blown sleepover partners. It’s where when you’ve been drinking you have a certain girl who is also single, but who you’re not involved with, who you get to make out with. The PG rated friends with benefits.

It is a cool arrangement.

August 30th, 2006 | 10:58 pm
lucy:

Aww man there’s so much love in this here comment box.

It’s beautiful.

Winter – And the Super Mario wallpaper is definitely the coolest.

August 30th, 2006 | 10:59 pm
Mark:

Yeah, thanks!, tho I actually think it’s Luigi on the banner. I just posted my thoughts on all this, btw.

August 30th, 2006 | 11:04 pm
Winter:

Thanks Lucy! You’re awesome too.

August 30th, 2006 | 11:19 pm
Naj:

Damn girl! Where did all of these people come from? Ha! I totally understand cause as discussed earlier we’re the same person on different continents.
*sigh* I miss make out priviliges.

August 30th, 2006 | 11:36 pm
lucy:

Naj – The make out privileges are awesome, obviously I can only do sleepovers though because I don’t like to be teased ๐Ÿ™‚

And we are most definitely the same girl in different countries.

August 31st, 2006 | 2:16 am
stella:

I love that you write exactly what I feel.
Stella

August 31st, 2006 | 6:35 am
lucy:

Thanks kitten

August 31st, 2006 | 5:47 pm
Steph:

I don’t do the approaching men thing very well either. I say retarded things in my everyday existance, it goes off the richter when i’m trying to impress someone.
Foot in mouth disease? Best you believe that!

August 31st, 2006 | 8:05 pm
Anonymous:

“Mark – Dearest Mark, you should try hitting on the multitude of females who read your blog and have internet crushes on you already. Although technically strangers they already know and like your personality.”

Funny, exactly what I was thinking when I read his post (I follwed a link on his blog to get here).

August 31st, 2006 | 10:38 pm
Mark:

Hmm. Like Ashbloem said, the thought of internet dating makes me uneasy. Feelings could be hurt.

Plus, I’m so obviously saving myself for T…

September 1st, 2006 | 1:49 am
lucy:

Steph – Oh man I know. You’re standing there thinking be cool, be cool, and then all that you can say is something retarded like, “sandwiches are cool”. So yeah, that’s also why I’m not good with approaching the boys.

Anon – Exactly, Mark is a tremendously cool boy, who I enjoy talking about like he is not going to read this.

Mark – I’m the same, I don’t have anything against internet dating, it’s just not for me.

But who is this T?

September 1st, 2006 | 2:05 am
nailpolishblues:

I think Mark’s far too clever for his own good – he’ll always second, third, fourth guess himself which is a pity because he’s obviously such a sweetheart [even if his timing stinks]. Having said that – Mark, I have absolutely no designs on you, you’re far too young.
Then again, he may just want us to think he’s a sweetheart…
[Oh, and my crush still stands but I’m trying to be all maternal about it.] :p

I think Mr Guinness makes an excellent point. Several, possibly. I pretty much feel like that in real life and on the internet. Ugh, life, eh?

September 1st, 2006 | 5:24 am
nailpolishblues:

Oh and talking about people like this is a private space is always highly amusing.

September 1st, 2006 | 5:25 am
lucy:

Crap I didn’t even see Mr Guinness’ comment, but as usual he’s got it bang on.

(My new favourite thing is talking about people in the comments)

And Mark is terribly lovely, but I bet this nice veneer just hides a ‘swears like a sailor, drinks like a fish, demon in the sack’ real life personality.

Actually, how old is he?

September 1st, 2006 | 5:32 am
nailpolishblues:

22 maybe 23 – he’s a wee baby! Wait, is he even that old?
Mark, how old are you?

I do hope he swears like a sailor and drinks like a fish – I mean, who doesn’t?

September 1st, 2006 | 6:03 am
Savoy Truffle:

< < Although what happens when you consider yourself an equal to your partner - who hits on who? >>

I’m a bit late, but I thought I’d respond to you.

I don’t think it has to do with being equal or not. I think two partners in a relationship should always be equal. It has more to do with roles. A masculine energy in a relationship is simply the person who is respected, rather than cherished. The feminine energy is cherished, rather than respected. These are just the words I’ve learned to associate with the situation… they don’t necessarily mean the cherished one isn’t respected (because both should be), but that the role is different. The masculine one gives first, and the feminine one gives back. The masculine one takes more financial care, whereas the feminine one nurtures.

They’re usually associated with male and female, since that’s how society is, but it could be totally opposite. Some women are far more comfortable being the masculine energy, and some men are the feminine.

A lot of the problems women have when dating is that they really want that masculine type… they want to be cherished and taken care of, while giving back in appreciation, but settle for someone they end up giving, giving and giving to. Because they don’t know the difference at the beginning. Or because the looks are so irresistable, they don’t worry about the relationship dynamic.

That’s not to say that the feminine energy doesn’t give, though. They do, just in return for being treated.

But going back to the approaching thing, it’s always the case that if someone is submissive in the beginning, they’ll be submissive, if not dismissive in the relationship. Shy people have that disadvantage. It doesn’t change because they’re with someone. So if you want a partner to be strong, and deal with things side by side with you, that’ll be the type of person who approaches you. ๐Ÿ™‚

JEEZ, I talk a lot.

The woman from whom I learned a lot of this stuff is named Pat Allen, a doctor from L.A. who does these awesome shows on Monday nights. If you want to look her up, I really recommend her!

September 1st, 2006 | 12:51 pm
Mark:

Swear like a sailor, drink like a fish, demon in the sack?

All of the above.

You guys should start a fucking fan club.

September 1st, 2006 | 9:16 pm
nailpolishblues:

A fan club maybe, but I doubt there’d be any fucking going on.

And, awwwww, isn’t it sweet to see him swelling with pride? Hm.

September 1st, 2006 | 9:44 pm
Mark:

This has got to stop.

September 3rd, 2006 | 7:31 am
lucy:

You totally started it Mark.

September 3rd, 2006 | 4:47 pm
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