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aahhh, rejection

Thursday May 19, 2005

I understand want. And I understand that sometimes when you want something bad enough you get it. And other times regardless of how much you want it it’s just not meant to happen.I hate the latter.

Especially when after the initial dramatic “It’s just not fair!” moment passes and you realise that maybe it was a good thing to not get what you want.

For instance Boy #1 (the friends for 2 years, in love with him for pretty much just as long) – in a vulnerable moment I sent him a message the other night asking why we didn’t actually try, since things could’ve been so good (I know, I know, and I can’t even blame it on being drunk).

The response was –

“Experience. Lots and lots of experience tells you what’s right and what’s wrong. “

Although a very painful and actually embarrassing message to receive (after the complete girl freak out of “oh so I’m wrong then huh, being with me would’ve been so “wrong”, well that’s really nice”) it hurts more so because he’s right. We had an intense dysfunctional friendship from the beginning, I helped him cheat on two of his partners, I lost my virginity to him, and we were too dependent on each other. And I thought because we were “officially” together it would’ve been different?

Unfortunately yeah I do, and some part still thinks so. But it’s the illogical part of me thinking that.

So I got rejected, I got angry, I got upset. Rejection, and in such a concise way hurts like hell. I’d managed to avoid the rejection bullet for a long time. And twice with two boys within a few months of each other is something I really would’ve preferred not to experience.

It would just be nice for once for it to not be wrong, or dysfunctional or unhealthy. It would be nice for it to be right.

Until that right comes along I’ll continue, with my work that’s intense and hard but so freakin’ satisfying, going out for drinks and breakfast with the girls, catching up with my friends, shopping with my sister, tring to actually enjoy watching Donnie Darko (seriously, I’ve been trying to watch this movie for a week now and I cannot stand it, I thought everyone thought it was a fantastic movie?) hanging out at home reading, cooking, planning my European trip in September and try not to see it as a bad thing, it just wasn’t right for him and I can respect that.

It might take a little bit longer but still, respect is good.

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