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Wednesday May 25, 2005

For all my complaining about how busy work and life is at the moment I’m enjoying it. I enjoy the stress, the long hours at work, the tumultuous love saga’s, the family drama’s.

If I didn’t have this I’d be a mess.

A lot has gone on in the last few months – death, break ups, family moving interstate, redundancies, friendship’s ending etc etc. For a while there I thought I was losing it, the grief was something I’d never experienced before and I had no idea how to handle it. I don’t think you’re supposed to handle it, once I got my head around that it got slightly easier.

I miss my boys, as dysfunctional as it’s been with them, I enjoyed their company, the contact. I like the honesty of male friendships that you don’t get with girlfriends. Plus the willing dates to see Star Wars and Bruce Willis movies. I’m angry at the rejection boy from the previous post. But after multiple girl chats with friends they’ve convinced me the anger is a good sign, and hey, anger is infinitely better than the mopey, “I just miss him, why doesn’t he like me?” The Smith’s listening stage right?

My previous blog has been shut down, a virus on my pc resulted in one of our IT guys looking at my pc and finding it’s address. Considering I’d only been updating it from work and I’ve had it for the last 2 and a half years it’s a miracle it took that long, especially since I work in IT myself. So unless I buy myself a laptop for home this is my new baby.

Tomorrow is an official mooch day. I’m tired and run down and The Eye Twitch is back (and yes it deserves capitals, I’ve had it since my senior year of school, and it just reminds me that, “yes Lucy darling you are a little stressed.”)So I’ll be staying at home and my total physical exertion tomorrow will be watching Oprah and “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” and trying not to sob, hell I might get dressed out of my pyjamas.

Highly doubtful of course, but you never know.

I’m still at work, it’s been a long day but I’ve been busy in meetings (finally getting involved in IT projects, this pleases me no end, I think most IT technicians want to be doing project management, or you know maybe I just want to wear suits a lot and have a lot of meetings.) For now I have “Shoplifters of the World Unite” playing on my pc (It’s not a angsty Smith’s moment I promise) and I’ve kicked off the heels and am enjoying in the delicousness of a quiet office.

aahhh, rejection

Thursday May 19, 2005

I understand want. And I understand that sometimes when you want something bad enough you get it. And other times regardless of how much you want it it’s just not meant to happen.I hate the latter.

Especially when after the initial dramatic “It’s just not fair!” moment passes and you realise that maybe it was a good thing to not get what you want.

For instance Boy #1 (the friends for 2 years, in love with him for pretty much just as long) – in a vulnerable moment I sent him a message the other night asking why we didn’t actually try, since things could’ve been so good (I know, I know, and I can’t even blame it on being drunk).

The response was –

“Experience. Lots and lots of experience tells you what’s right and what’s wrong. “

Although a very painful and actually embarrassing message to receive (after the complete girl freak out of “oh so I’m wrong then huh, being with me would’ve been so “wrong”, well that’s really nice”) it hurts more so because he’s right. We had an intense dysfunctional friendship from the beginning, I helped him cheat on two of his partners, I lost my virginity to him, and we were too dependent on each other. And I thought because we were “officially” together it would’ve been different?

Unfortunately yeah I do, and some part still thinks so. But it’s the illogical part of me thinking that.

So I got rejected, I got angry, I got upset. Rejection, and in such a concise way hurts like hell. I’d managed to avoid the rejection bullet for a long time. And twice with two boys within a few months of each other is something I really would’ve preferred not to experience.

It would just be nice for once for it to not be wrong, or dysfunctional or unhealthy. It would be nice for it to be right.

Until that right comes along I’ll continue, with my work that’s intense and hard but so freakin’ satisfying, going out for drinks and breakfast with the girls, catching up with my friends, shopping with my sister, tring to actually enjoy watching Donnie Darko (seriously, I’ve been trying to watch this movie for a week now and I cannot stand it, I thought everyone thought it was a fantastic movie?) hanging out at home reading, cooking, planning my European trip in September and try not to see it as a bad thing, it just wasn’t right for him and I can respect that.

It might take a little bit longer but still, respect is good.

work schmork

Friday May 13, 2005

Being at work at 7 p.m. on a Friday night is against all laws of man and nature.

Especially when you walked into your office at 7:00 a.m.


I recently got an office for the first time. I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that I believe that I’ve reached the pinnacle of my career.

Because really success means being able to close the door on your boss and colleagues, kick off your shoes and turn on Radiohead.


Wednesday May 11, 2005

For me grief is personal.

It’s not something you’ll ever be able to share with someone else, no matter how well-meaning or empathetic they are.

I can’t put into words how losing my grandad felt.

Before he got sick I was very much one of those “I’ve never lost anyone close to me, touch wood” people. I lost my maternal grandmother from multiple cancers when I was young. She even lived with us in the last stages. But I was selfish, well not selfish, but young and I don’t remember much of it.

This death? I remember all of it.

I’ve tried to articulate what it was like. What it was like to sit all night watching a dying man. What it was like to see him struggle every single damn day. I can’t describe the most intense grief and sadness I felt while being at the funeral, I can’t describe how something broke inside me while watching my grandmother and their children carry his coffin out of the cathedral. I can’t put into words how much it broke my heart to watch my father silently cry while listening to his brother give a eulogy.

I never understood loss and grief before now. I think that when death happens that something changes inside you.

Because when I think about my grandfather I can’t celebrate his passing yet. I’m just not ready to celebrate his death.

Because it’s just so overwhelmingly sad. Because it just isn’t fair for my grandfather to have his life end the way that it did. He was a doctor, a brilliant and hard man who needed full time care for months.

The last time I saw my grandfather I stayed up through the night to look after him. It was one of the longest, most painfully personal nights I’ve ever had.

In one of his more lucid moments he told me that “when the time came I had to be strong.”

When the time did come I found it hard to be strong, and I continue to struggle with it now.

So when friends and even some family ask how I’m doing, or am I ok I can’t say that it physically hurt me to experience his sickness and his passing. That the finding out that of only two pictures he kept on him one of them was of me physically hurt. That it just doesn’t get any easier. That I might be sad when I think about him for along time. That I think of him daily and I can’t help but cry. That apart from some unadmirable qualities he had, he was a good man. And that when he was in hospital I made him laugh and that I got the chance to sit with him and tell him I loved him and said my goodbyes.

A lot of people never get that chance, and for that I am thankful.

smart* choices

Sunday May 8, 2005

I hate being old enough to make good boy decisions.

Scratch that.

After making stupid boy decisions and either keeping them on as friends or having them as a casual benefits boy, I’m finally culling the bad “relationships”.

The boy who I’ve been friends with for two years, and in love with him for 23 months, I don’t speak to him anymore. Even though day to day it was good, every now and then it would get bad and too much. When I started sleeping with him again, after he had a girlfriend, I knew it had to stop. After a late night fight via phone during a cab ride home we called it.

The other is an ex. He was a wonderful guy, smart, funny, could wear pink shirts and look edible and it was the worst timing ever. Two months ago he travelled overseas and I haven’t spoken to him since. Also having him as a casual buddy for 6 months after we broke up was not a good idea. But hey, when you’re single and he’s great in bed it makes perfect sense.

Even though it’s damn hard and I miss them both, for their friendships more than anyting it has to be the right decision. I don’t get weirded out by our friendships, I don’t feel the intense guilt of being that awful, awful girl whose sleeping with a boy who has a girlfriend and even though the drought is in full swing it definitely feels like the right decision.

All up boy choices lately have been sound. Taking a break from boys is good. But my porn collection is getting an amazing workout until I’m over this self-imposed boy ban.


Sunday May 8, 2005

I don’t think there’s anything more exquisite than that moment when he enters you, or when you can taste him afterwards, or when your face is cupped in his hands, looking up and seeing the look on his face, or lying naked on your stomach while he lazily traces the curve of your back, when he lightly strokes your face with this almost bewildered look of “I can’t believe this is all mine”, when he says your name as he comes, his body tremor/shudder at the end and that laconic, satisfied sleepiness afterwards when you curl up together.

I miss these moments most of all.


Tuesday May 3, 2005

I’ve had a proper job for the last 12 months. Prior to that I was a receptionist and an admin assistant. I don’t count those as proper jobs. So I’m now in IT.

Being a nerd and then working out that not only can you work in a completely geeky field, but that you’re not bad at the work is heaven. Working with other nerd’s is also very cool. But the ultimate is the programming software I use which has been named after a Star Wars character.

The ultimate in geekdom.

There is Guns ‘n Roses playing on pc’s, there is Superfly, PVP Online sent around the office, robot dances, reciting of movie lines, there are Dilbert cartoons on cubicles (I know that’s not exclusively an IT thing, work with me here) and there are many passionate/irritating/heated conversations about systems/programs/patches/upgrades/superior products etc etc, that usually end up at “fucking loser, no one uses that shit?”

Sometimes it’s the place that fashion forgot, but I work with a younger team and I fit in wearing a suit or casual. Plus with 2 of the 3 people in the IT Comms department being girls there is a sense of pride of being able to kick arse as girls and surprise senior managers, who think we’re PA’s and ask us for coffee (bless), and then are suitably embarassed when they find out what we do.

But the JEDI?

That makes me happy.

unwanted crush

Monday May 2, 2005

I’ve been trying to get rid of an unwanted crush for a while now and I’m fresh out of ideas.

I’ve essentially got two option, neither one I find all that enticing.

1 – Sit him down and be brutally honest. i.e. “I’m sorry but I don’t like you like that, and I don’t think we should continue being friends”

2 – Do the really awful completely ignoring him thing.

Like I said I don’t want to do either. 1 requires being honest but knowing he’ll get hurt. 2 requires not being honest but hurting him anyway. But I don’t have the balls for 1.
Hints and subtlety have got me nowhere.

I’m finding this difficult because I’ve never really been in this situation before, or I just haven’t realised it. The crushes before have fortunately tallied up with my crushes. Plus he did the surprise crush, we were friends first and then you know…..ambushed.

I think I’m going to have to grow some balls.


thanks for having me

Monday May 2, 2005

This is a new beginning.

Those who I know me and/or read my previous blog do not know about this.

Nor will they.

(sounds mysterious really, but not. )

I like it that way.

There will be much more honesty, much more disclosure and heart, mixed with a lot of shallow and goofy content. Oh and no ex-boyfriends reading.

Thanks for having me.

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