the antilogy |

Beth and I went and spent Saturday with Meg, the Very Pregnant Mormon Housewife.

She’s 2 weeks away from her due date and is well over it all.

Beth had her two nephews with her so there were more children than adults and it freaked me the fuck out.

I love Meg’s son and daughter. They are freaking awesome and I absolutely adore them. Beth’s nephew’s are also gorgeous boys who are awesome to spend time with. All spunky but well mannered kids.

But a day in the suburbs with 4 children under the age of 5 made me feel claustrophobic. We had lunch, and it was a hot day so the kids ran around under the sprinkler, I had a tea party with Meg’s daughter and the boys tried to kill each other.

I always thought I’d eventually want to be in the same position as Meg – lots of babies, husband, house. But after Saturday I realised that I grew up in the suburbs and didn’t particularly enjoy it, and I much prefer quiet over noisy chaos and the idea of having that number of children makes me feel queasy.

Which makes me feel good, since I’m right where I want to be with a city apartment, plans to buy an acreage somewhere and no immediate plans for settling down.

Who knew laziness would be the right life path? Laziness FTW!

I’ve been giving serious thought to retiring as soon as possible, i.e. at 30.

However I’m 28, turning 29 in April, so I’m thinking I need to work out a game plan.

So far the game plan is either turn wild and catch/grow all of my food and live in the bush. Or win the lottery.

Both are unfeasible and retarded. Which just leaves me with a job that I like most of the time (but is horrendously busy at the moment and giving me an eye twitch) a credit card debt that I’m slowing chipping away at, and a desire to buy this (but not live that far away from civilisation. And pay half a million dollars for the pleasure.)

Life has been busier lately. Work has yet to settle down, so work days are just 10 hours of constant busy. My 2 new bosses are working out well though which is cool.

The wedding planning for Beth has started already, we went to the Hunter Valley last weekend to look at wedding venues. We looked at 3 venues, and good lord people get married in funny/ugly places. One of the larger places we went to held their reception in essentially a cafeteria. Beth refused it on the grounds that if she can see the bain marie from the reception then that is not the place for her. Normally I think she’s too fussy but it’s a valid point.

She chose a gorgeous old convent for the wedding instead. It’s beautiful and small and we can stay there as well and she did good.

I am a complete fatty at the moment. There was talk of orange dresses for bridesmaids before K and I beat some sense into Beth, as we’d look like chubby little pumpkins.

Pumpkins are not hot.

Delicious. But not hot.

So, I’ve been having a relatively shit time with things lately. Yesterday in particular, so I thought I’d cheer myself by doing two things I enjoy – shoe shopping and Facebook stalking of boys I adore or dated. Stupid decision. There were no cute shoes, and do you guys remember this boy?

Facebook tells me he’s engaged.

Ugh.

So I’m feeling like an unlovable loser at the moment. Normally I think I’m just tops and should be beating the boys away with sticks (humble too bviously.) So this is not particularly pleasant.

Actually it fucking sucks.

So, this weekend I’m having a lady date with Beth and Meg who is 1 week away from her due date. I’ve already had a conversation with her that if she goes into labour while I’m there I’m not helping. I cannot see her vagina in any circumstances and I will only be at the party end of a birthing suite with her.

Fingers crossed she waits until after said lady date.

Goddamn it!

 All I have wanted to each day this week is to update here, and each and every afternoon I’ve run out of time.

 So he’s my life in summary and bullet point (I am well efficient)

 -       I finished things with Mark.

-       It sucked.

-       Work is really busy.

-       It’s semi-okay.

-       I am starting wedding plan stuff with Beth this week.

-       This is exciting

-       I discovered that as I’m over 25 I don’t have to do a minimum number of hours on my learners permit before going for my driver’s license (it was previously 120 hours, or 50 hours if you got your learners before 2008.)

-       This is awesome because 50 hours is actually a shitload of time, and apparently I am busy and don’t have as much time as I thought I did. Technically I could go for my license now, but I think I need more than 5 drives under my belt.

-       I am actually using my sewing machine.

-       This is tops. I’ve hemmed stuff, loosened stuff, tightened stuff, changed the shape of stuff. I am the (swearing and smoking) Martha Stewart of sewing.

-       I have locked in my property plan, I’m not going to buy a city investment property because I’m not interested. I can afford to rent where I can’t buy. So I have my eye on a 25 acre property a couple of hours outside of Sydney.

-       I am possibly unnaturally excited about this. Lucy is heading back to the farm bitches.

-       I’ve run out of time again

God, I am still here.

Sorry for the lack of updates, but things at work have been pretty busy lately.

I have a new boss. Actually I have 2 new bosses. For a team of 3. There’s a lot of work to do to get them up to speed.

And so I leave my house at 6:15 a.m. and I get home about 12 hours later and then I cook my dinner, tease the cat, have a shower, watch as much reality TV as possible, and then go to bed.

Oh, and once or twice a week I risk many Sydneysiders lives by doing some driving practice. It is a very boring world I’m living in.

I’ll try and update more later this week. Hope you’re all well, tell me what you’ve been up to in the comments.

God I’m tired and it’s barely lunch time. I’m sleeping like a log but I’m just getting to bed later and later. I stand firm that tonight I will be in bed at 9:30. No later. And tonight I won’t let Poppy sleep in the middle of the bed so I’m sprawled out around here, and that I kill any (fucking) mosquitoes before they drain half of my blood during the night.

I went out on Saturday night for celebration drinks for Beth and DJ’s engagement. While I hate going out at night I love seeing my friends because they’re pretty much the nicest/coolest people I know. So, I got frocked up and headed into the city.

There’s an RSL smack bang in the city that is an oasis of cheap drinks away from the wanky bars and clubs that make up the usual Sydney city night life. Any place that has lounges where I can buy a round of drinks for 5 people and get change from a $20 note (a small amount but still) is a good place. Except that on the way up with Beth and K in the lift, the lift dropped a floor. One second we were going from 2 to 3, and then the lifted plummeted back to 2. I would say that I burst into tears or vomit because that’s what I thought I would do, but it was too quick. It was gross and scary and we did not go in that lift again.

I drank a lot of vodka and champagne and then we started having shots because see: cheap drinks. We then retired to the local for last drinks, in the walk across the city I gave myself some wicked blisters from the heels I was wearing. But, you know, vodka heals a lot so I drank some more before getting in a cab and making the cab driver go through McDonalds drive thru. The quarter pounder never tasted so good.

Celibacy update: Getting a wee bit harder now, actually I don’t even know when I started. Let me check.

Jesus I only started 2 weeks ago, this is not going to end well. Well, it’d end well for me but not for the poor man.

Oh! I forgot the news. Beth totally made me a bridesmaid. K and I and Beth’s sister are all bridesmaids. I am ridiculously excited especially after she reassured us that the dresses would be black cocktail dresses and hair also suitable restrained. We also warned her that as a bride she gets ONE DAY to be a total bridezilla and since her wedding is a year away if she tries to pull that crap we will revolt.

So, terms and conditions have been accepted on both sides and everyone is happy.

Except DJ who had to spend the day after the drinks at a bridal expo. Sucked in groom.

Ergh.

I am a wee bit stressed at the moment. I know this because I’m cleaning when I get home from work (this is not usual, I tidy up before I go to bed at night and clean the kitchen but normally I don’t dust and polish stuff when I could be watching crime documentaries). Cleaning is what I do when I’m stressed or upset about something. But the thing that’s making it worse? I’m having trouble sleeping.

Everybody who knows me in real life knows that sleep and I are on the best of terms. Eating, sleeping and sex – 3 of my favourite things and not necessarily in that order. So getting to sleep at midnight when I’d usually be in bed at 9:00, all the while still getting up at 5:00 a.m. means I am tired. And cranky and I have an eye twitch.

The celibacy thing blows. Mark is back from his holiday and has sent me a Facebook message. I’m ignoring it for now as I’m not yet in the no sex “Zen” zone or where I’d prefer an early night that getting naked with someone. So need to keep my distance from that or I could hurt him.

I also found out that since Beth is so close with my family she’d like to invite both of my parents to her wedding. Which is absolutely lovely and I know Mum and Dad would be absolutely overjoyed at the idea.

Except that Mum and Dad are divorced and aren’t really on the best terms. In fact I think the last time they saw each other I was in high school. Maybe primary school I can’t remember exactly since it’s been so long. And the idea of them being in the same room, let alone at the same table is kind of stressing me out. Even though Beth and DJ aren’t planning on having their wedding until early next year.

Anyway this weekend we’re having celebration drinks for the kids engagement. We’re going back to where they met……drunk at a dive city bar – It’s a beautiful story and we plan to commemorate it.

Anyway I’ve had enough for today so I’m going to have an early mark and go buy me a pair of new shoes.

Hope you’re all well.

1. I’m wearing red nail polish at the moment and I feel a bit whorish.

I know wearing red nailpolish does not make me a whore, but I’m used to french polish. Anyway, yes, nails=easy.

2. We have Australia Day here on Tuesday so I’m taking Monday off and taking a lovely 4 day weekend. Did I just have 2.5 weeks off over the Christmas break? Why yes, yes I did. Am I still sick from this bronchitis 2 weeks after first getting it? Why yes, yes I am. So I’m taking 4 days off because I can.

3. I received one of the rudest work emails I think I ever have in my career earlier this week. I won’t get into too many details but one of my favourite parts is when he opens with -

“Lucy, Excuse me, but LISTEN!!! ” 

And proceeds to tell me I am useless because I do not understand that HE. IS. RIGHT AND. I. AM. NOT. But my favourite is when he ends it with “Kind Regards”. Because when you’re tearing someone a new arsehole one mustn’t forget their manners. 

I waited a couple of days before responding because the only replies I could think of centred around telling him to fuck himself. And while my work can be frustrating sometimes I love my job. The worse part is when I escalated it to our big boss he asked me to take a look at the problem, so I had to help him rather than just deleting and moving on. So I wrote him a polite response that included my favourite -

“I understand your frustration with this situation xxx and we will do our best to look into this for you, however the tone of your email was unacceptable and against the [company name] values and behaviour of Respect.”

He’s a manager so to be reminded that he was going against company policy wasn’t good apaprently. It was nice to come in this morning to an apology. Knob.

4. Celibacy update: Because Mark has been overseas since before Christmas I realised that technically I could wipe 4 weeks off my 3 month count. But, I am dedicated to the cause (I don’t know what the cause is, but there’s a cause) so I’m not counting it.

Until I’m 4 weeks until the end and desperately need to make out with someone and I may just use those 4 weeks as my get out of jail free card.

5. I am tired. It’s been my first full week back at work since before Xmas. Damn you holidays for making me soft.

6. And the news that I got early this morning from Beth and DJ, those crazy kids are overseas at the moment and they got engaged last night. My little chicken is getting married, it is fucking insane and she is already freaking out (she does not particularly like commitment, and no, don’t ask why she’s getting married then.) Can’t wait until they’re home so we can celebrate.

And seriously if I do not get made bridesmaid in this wedding, since I’ve never been one, I will totally cut Beth.

While I’m still coughing like a 90 year old smoker I’m finally feeling better after last week’s black lung epidemic. This is good as while I still sound dodgy I feel much better and can finally sleep through the night.

Next stop cutting back on smoking. I’m not going to quit, quitting is for losers. Plus I’m not ready, so cutting back is a good alternative.

I’ve also decided on another sabbatical. It’s not the good kind of sabbatical though, as I’ll be on a sabbatical from any type of low down action. I’m doing a 3 month celibacy run again, I quite enjoyed the one I did a couple of years ago. Well, enjoyed is not the right word but I met a lot of really awesome new boys and did not sleep with the old boy/s once. This was a win in my book.

Even if (and I can’t believe I’m putting this in writing) my celebrations at the end of the 3 month period last time involved sleeping with 2 boys in one week and then realising with horror that my period was late.

For a good few days I had a skanky Jerry Springer/Maury Povich style freak out that if I was actually pregnant I wouldn’t know who the father was, and one of the boys was a gorgeous Canadian backpacker who left the country the next day, aaannnd I couldn’t remember his first name.

 So, maybe the celebrations will be a little more low key this time.

 But yes, no sex. No boy action at all. For 3 months.

 Trust me, it’s a good exercise for me as I tend to keep boys around long past their use-by date and before you know it you realise that you still see the boy you lost your virginity to regularly and you’re still having sleepovers with a boy you broke up with 5 years ago.

 Jesus.

 Anyway, I was going to do a normal update (hung out with Dad this weekend, went and saw Avatar in 3D and just ended up getting motion sickness, found out I apparently talk in my sleep) but you got a Lucy is a whore update instead.

Awesome!

Dudes, this will be a quick update but I just wanted to say hello, and that I am finally back with proper internet access that involves using a screen bigger than my itty bitty Blackberry.

I had over 2 weeks off work and the holidays were just perfect; relaxing but I did enough stuff to feel like I didn’t slob on the lounge for a fortnight. Unfortunately on the night before I was due back at work I started to feel not so great, and 3 sick days later, a metric tonne of used tisssues/nose and throat remedies I’m finally starting to feel better after a sweet dose of bronchitis (acute!) and the flu.

Although seriously, the stuff that is currently blocking my sinus/head space and lungs up is fucking foul and making breathing hard. So fuck you snot!

 But yes, I am back, I scored well in Christmas presents (Beth bought me real diamond earrings – weee!) we only one arrest during our family Christmas’ (I wish I joking) and I had a great holiday but now I’m back at work and snotty and yeah, proper update Monday kids.

I hope you all had great holidays, I missed you.

Man, being this close to holidays, and having so much work to do that it makes me cry, is cruel and unusual punishment. Mel is away, Adam is off gallavanting around Australia doing…..work, of some kind, and I am stuck at work.

To make myself feel better I’ve bought 3 dresses, all possibilities to wear on Christmas Day. The possiblity of me not wearing any of them is quite high but still, a girl likes her options.

I mean I’ve also finished my Christmas shopping (except for Beth’s) and I’ve organised for a cat minder/babysitter person to come in each day to feed and play with Poppy while I’m away, and I’ve done other stuff that warranted rewarding myself with dresses. Uh, nothing comes to mind but I’ve done loads.

I have all sorts of rants floating around my head, including Beth now being unemployed since our good old premier was unceremoniously shafted, and our stupid bloody federal government implementing the biggest and lamest firewall to the Australian innernet the world has ever seen. But I’m tired now, so let’s just assume I do not like either of the above. At all, although Beth is taking a couple of months off and I am so jealous that deep inside I hate her a little. That’s a lie, a lot.

My mum flies in this weekend and dad is floating around the state somewhere, so that’s nice to have the family in the same state. But the step-mother has come over with Dad for Christmas so it will be interesting to see whether she ruins Christmas this year like Mum’s partner at the time did. (Ex-Hells Angel dude, he really made an impression at the Christmas lunch a couple of years ago.) The step-mother talks. A lot. So we’ll have to get used to that again.

So overall work is still busy, but each day I get closer to 2 weeks holiday which is an awesome thing. Plus I just realised I can hang out with Beth for it too, score!